Condomologist

all things condoms

Community Service

Posted by Condomologist on February 16, 2009

From my as-yet-unreleased and unrecorded song “Community Service,” how to put on a condom, in hip-hop parlance:

 

It’s time to get hands-on

Before we put our penis

In a mouth or anus or vagina

Like a tampon

Before we take our pants off

Before the banana

Jump out the pajamas

And the heat turns on

And you turn the lamps off

Let’s stand to our feet

Take a stand in the streets

And wake every man and wo-man

Til they can’t sleep, til they creep

To Walgreens or CVS

Don’t wanna see STDS

Or little kiddies in the nest

So we cop that box of condoms

And mad props to the ladies

Brainy enough to ponder

The future

Back in the bedroom

We pull out the package

Press on the wrapper

If it’s not airtight

Shred plastic to tatters

Then check the date

Cause like milk and eggs

It’s unsafe if you copulate

After the day that the rubber spoils

Now wash hands of oils

That break down latex

It’s getting heated, on the verge

Of splurging on some great sex

Now — you gotta get a boner

You can’t put it on your pecker

Six hours before you bone her

And all you sperm blowers

With a cap on your head

Uncircumsized, pull the skin back

Get some lube

From the side of the bed

Now carefully tear

the side of the wrapper

Cause inside of this wrapper

Is a hat you gotta wear

Two rappers acting

To get the masses to care

Now put a little lube

Up inside of the jimmy

And focus — cause your mind ain’t right

Like, Timmy!

And we squeeze the tip

And roll the sleeve down the stick

And execute the plan

Romantic or porn flick

Pick the orifice

And penetrate the ass or lips or lips

Oh, oh, oh — no worries

15 minutes, got another full clip

Give ’em the Oh Face

Oh, oh, so slick

Pull out while it’s erect

No drippage or slippage

Tie it in a knot

And put it in a tissue

Not to the toilet

But straight to the trash

Now cuddle with your honey

Cause y’all safe and relaxed

It’s the (Community) League once again

Straight touching y’all

With Facts

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